The Complete List Of Man Rules, Revised 2013

A good friend of Bob’s, a survivor, sent him the following Man Rules.  I’m thinking maybe he realized Bob needed them in the past and he took the high road in assuming Bob was just ignorant of what the rules should be.

So Bob went ahead and studied them and thought about them and in a few cases enhanced them.  “After all,” he said, “we men are a value add at all cost breed and I’m just thrilled someone took the time to write this all down.  This greatly multiplies the male tribal knowledge.  A shared language!”  Man he was excited.

One thing that has to be understood is that the presentation of the list borrowed heavily from the female perspective.  That is all the rules are number 1 rules.  It’s how women roll.  Why not men?

1.  Men are NOT mind readers.

1.  Learn to work the toilet seat.

  • You’re a big girl.  If it’s up, put it down.
  • We need it up, you need it down.
  • You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1.  Sunday sports

  • It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides; Let it be.
  1. Crying is blackmail.
  • Ask for what you want
  • Subtle hints do not work!
  • Strong hints do not work!
  • Obvious hints do not work!

1.  Just say it!

1.  Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question..

1.  Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.  That’s what we do.

1.  Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1.  Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.  In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1.  If you think you’re fat, you probably are.  Don’t ask us

1.  If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way

1.  You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.  Not both.

  • If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1.  Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.  This makes following the plot of the TV show easier and still gets you almost 40% of every hour for your personal use.

1.  Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.  Any man could head west and land on an something that is over 15,000 miles wide.

1.  All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.  We have no idea what mauve is and it’s unclear we have the receptors to actually separate that from red, black, white blue…you get it.

1.  If it itches, it will be scratched; that’s what we do and why we do it.

1.  If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong.  We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1.  If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1.  When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…really.

1.  Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football, Hunting, Fishing…etc.

1.  You have enough clothes.

1.  You have too many shoes.

1.  I am in shape.  Round IS a shape!

1.  Men are like software and you’ve got to keep current with the releases, patches and downloads…

  • Version control; expect major changes in performance around certain life events
    • 1.0 – When we met
    • 2.0 – The birth of the first baby
    • 3.0 – When the last baby leaves the nest
    • 4.0 – At retirement
    • Functions and features
      • There is no user acceptance testing.
      • Like a highly refined IT department new versions are slipped in to production without any notice.  And like the IT department this is done because it was believed that the changes would be “transparent to the user”
      • What a man does has not been verified against what’s printed on the marketing materials or box.
      • There are untested routines that may randomly appear
      • There is no built in virus protection
      • It is not artificial intelligence [AI].  What life lessons are learned may or may not be known in other situations

Thank you for reading this as I’m sure it makes Bob happier. Yes he may have to sleep on the couch tonight but he doesn’t mind…it’s like camping but without rain, snow, bugs and creepy things on the path to the outhouse he says.

If you know of additional man rules please send them to Bob.


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